“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”
Psalm 56:3 NIV
When we trust completely we do not fear. Yep you read that right. Its something that I have a hard time with. Trusting completely. Oh sure, I can say that I trust in Him. That I will lean not on my own understanding. But at the end of the day, I’m a control freak. It’s so against my nature to lay down my self and trust. To let go of fear and just say, “Lord Jesus, you got this.” I’m the one white-knuckling the tube because I don’t trust the life vest to keep me afloat should I fall into the water. It’s especially hard to completely lay down the fear when the world has hurt me and taught me that trusting is naive.
But we aren’t supposed to live by the world right? I mean I said that in a previous blog post. I want my child not to define herself by the world. But it’s a constant battle to ignore the teachings of the world and remember the teachings of God.
This morning, I was so determined to respond again to the daily prompt. Today it’s Beach. I have this gorgeous picture of my girls walking our dog along the beach in Coos Bay, Oregon (when we visited last summer). I had no idea what I was going to write about but I wanted to use that picture. But you know the saying, “You make plans and God laughs.”? (Although in my house it’s more like, you make plans and the kids laugh) Well that’s what happened this morning.
My oldest is sick today. Again she’s 12 so even if she was to stay home, she could do it by herself. She’s rather self-sufficient. A 12-year-old can make themselves lunch , use the bathroom by themselves, call 911 if they have to. She’s not so sick that I honestly couldn’t leave her alone for the 3.5 hours I would have been at work. But I called in and let them know I wasn’t coming. Why? Fear and lack of trust. I will state it here, I still don’t trust her and I’m afraid of what she’ll get up to when I’m gone. Yep, I admitted it. I confessed my sin. To the world apparently because it’s on my blog for the entire planet to read.
It all started with the beginning of our journey. The reason she started therapy to being with was that she made some rather poor choices via texting and social media (which she wasn’t supposed to have). She had a “friend”, and I use that term so loosely. God has given me discernment to an extent. I’m a fairly good judge of character and this girl set off all kinds of alarm bells in my spirit. Anyway, this “friend” decided to end their friendship because my kid wouldn’t give her another kids clothes. Oh yes you read that right. That is the most asinine reason ever to end a friendship. I mean really who does that? But as I’ve said before, my child defined herself by her friendships. This girl was popular and her BFF so this was devastating for her. Her response was, “you hurt me so I’m going to hurt you.” She chose to do that in the least constructive way (for herself) possible. Lets just say what she was posting and sending was so concerning that counseling was not an option it was mandated by mom and dad. We, well I, literally took her there kicking and screaming. She was going to get help because what she was choosing to do was not healthy and we didn’t want to see it escalate.
The thing is that she looked me straight in the face and lied to me about what was going on. She completely denied what she did and what she sent until she was presented with evidence to the contrary. We took her phone away we limited her time on the computer, she was only allowed to do school work. We put all these restrictions in place and then she seems to be doing better. She seems to be making better choices. She’s not talking to the girl that ended their friendship. My husband decides to give her the cell phone back. That decision had nothing to do with me. He felt she proved herself and could have it back. She got it back and it started all over again. *Deep breath* She started this constant cycle of lying to my face and then going behind my back and doing whatever she wanted to do. She lied about what was going on at school in regards to her missing assignments and failing grades. She lied about cutting, until we body checked her. In fact she lied to my face two days ago and made me look like an idiot when I emailed her teacher. So you can see why I have trust issues when it comes to my kid.
It hurts your heart when someone you love so much and would do anything for straight up breaks your trust over and over and over again. It sucks
But the Lord says that we are supposed to trust in Him. He doesn’t say to trust in this world. He doesn’t say to trust in our children. He doesn’t say to trust yourself. He says to trust in Him. When we are afraid, we trust in Him. When we trust in Him, He will be our refuge. He will bring us joy. He will deliver us. If we trust in Him we will not be shaken and endure forever. If we trust in Him, He’s got this! Wow, right?
I gotta confess this morning, I’m trying. I’m trying to let go and let God. I’m trying to put all my trust in Him and not in the past. I’m trying to see past the cycle and see what God is going to do. I’m trying and I will. I will because no matter what God loves my crazy mess.It may not happen today. But it will happen.
(References: Psalm 37:5, Nahum 1:7, Psalm 125:1, Psalm 22:4, Psalm 86:4)