Reflecting

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139:13-16‬ ‭NIV‬‬ 

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Today is my birthday. I’m 36.

Today I’m sitting and reflecting on not only the past year but my life up until this point. Today, I am the same age my mom was when she passed away. I always told myself that I wanted to live longer than my mom. I wanted to be there to watch my kids grow up. It was such an odd thing to watch my kids grow past the age of 6. I was 6 when my mom passed. So not only am I the same age she was when she passed but this year will mark the 30th anniversary of her passing. Weird right?  It feels weird. So on a day where I should be celebrating and rejoicing, I’m just feeling rather blah.

I wonder what kind of advice my mom would have given me through out this year. I wonder how she would have reacted to the things my oldest went through, what our family has gone through this year. According to my Gramma and her siblings my mom was an outspoken wild child with a naughty streak a mile wide. Yeah that is so not me. My mom was probably a really fun person to be around and I honestly feel that I am so awkward. According to the kids I work with, I’m awesome and cool. According to my kids I’m a dork, so who knows right. But I feel awkward-sauce most of the time. (There I go making up words again…”You’re not that cool mom”)

I’m also nowhere near where I thought in was going to be at this point in my life. I never thought I would be a mostly stay at home mom to two girls, living in Colorado. Anyone who knew me in high school knows that I had dreams to become an actor. Heck I flew from Hawaii to California my senior year just to audition for theater schools. I even met John Ritter and his son Jason at the NYU auditions. That was always my dream. And who knows maybe someday God will bring me back to that.

Even at 36, I still don’t know what plan God has for my life. I don’t know where He plans to take me and what he plans to do. But whatever it is, I hope it’s amazing and I hope that it’s long-lived and I hope to make a difference in at least one life outside of the church.

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