When it all falls down.

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So that’s me. No make-up. No frills. Why?  Because today I’m going to be talking about the naked truth. The ugly truth. Parenting is the best job in the world and the worst.

In earlier posts, I bragged about how well my kid was doing. How well we were doing as a whole. The summer was fantastic. We explored new places. We spent a lot of quality time together. I felt like we were building a solid relationship. I felt like she was making huge improvements. She was making good choices, she was doing so well. And then… School started.

We are only 3 months into the school year and already things have been nothing but ups and downs. I thought the issues that we are currently dealing with were things that had been resolved but I find us back-sliding into the past. She’s back to focusing on,”they have, I don’t”. She’s back to being all about image and self. She’s back to being  defiant at every turn.  I feel like I’m living last year all over again. But this time she tells me she no longer feels “safe” in our home.  A statement immediately followed by she “doesn’t have to do anything I say.”  I’m at a complete loss.

At no point has she been not safe in our home. I don’t know what her motivation was for saying that. It wasn’t a statement she said to me but one of her mentors from church. She told her that we said we no longer love her and she doesn’t feel safe here. Her saying that completely broke my heart. An argument about respect and obeying the rules of our home, devolved into her telling someone she no longer feels safe in her own home. Now before this, she did tell me that she no longer wanted to live here (keep in mind she’s 12), so perhaps in her mind, the easiest way for her to leave was to tell someone she no longer felt safe. But can I tell you, I still feel the knife in my heart twisting from that statement. Just writing about it makes me want to cry…again.

Her mentor and I had a conversation afterward. She asked me if she could take my kid for the weekend, not only to give us all time to calm down and reflect, but also so she could take my child some place where hopefully she would get the wake-up call she needs. I told her okay and she came and got my kid yesterday. I heard from her mentor but I haven’t heard from my kid since she left.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad at this point, but I know it hurts. Dear Lord, parenting is the hardest job ever. It cuts your heart out and stomps on it. It really does.

I have been praying since she left. I’ve been praying for miracles. I been praying for revelation. I’ve been praying for conviction. I’ve been praying for a hedge of protection. Ive been praying for changed mindsets. I’ve just been praying. I need God to take away this anxiety and fear and gut wrenching sadness. I need God to bring about healing because honestly after this, it’s going to take a lot of healing. It’s most definitely going to take time.

Normally, I try to end my blog posts on an inspiring or hopeful note, but today I just don’t have one. But if you will pray, send positive thoughts, whatever your belief system dictates, I would be forever grateful.

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